Wednesday, March 5, 2008

March 5, 2008

Workout: Back/Biceps/Abs
Time: 45:00

It takes a lot to get me to do abs. I did them. I figured I needed to extend my short workout on Back/Biceps day, so abs it is. Ugh. I hate abs.

Workout:
Lat Pull Down: 10, 10, 9 @ #8
Underhand Cable Pulldown: 3x12 @ #8
Upright row: 3x10 @ #4
Assisted Pullups: 3x6
BB Curls: 3x8 @ 26lbs
Hammer Curls: 12, 10, 10 @ 15lbs/hand
Ball: 2x10
Side planks: 3x1 @ 30seconds each side
Squats: 200

My eating has been going well. I don't feel like I'm obsessing, but I feel like I'm eating a well-balanced diet as I try to add a fruit and/or vegetable to each of my 6 meals during the day. I had 5 mini marshmallows when I made the girls some hot chocolate yesterday. It is amazing to me that a tiny amount of sugar like that causes me to start craving more and more. I mean really, 5 little marshmallows? Not a whole lot, but after I ate them I wanted to devour the rest of the package and have one of the nasty store bought cookies that we made the other day. So it is critical for me to stay away from sugar.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should revise my plan to allow for a sweet twice a week - on a normal week that would be dessert on Saturday and something on Sunday. I think that would appease my sense of needing to indulge/reward myself over the weekend. I'll see how this weekend goes and decide after that.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

March 4, 2008

Workout: Treadmill - interval run
Time: 34:00
Speeds: 4.0/5.2/5.7/6.2/6.7

I decided to do an interval run today. Mostly, I think, because I've had a while off of running and now I'm scared of it again:) In addition, I think the 30 minute interval workout is very appealing because I can sleep a little later. So maybe I'll do two interval workouts and one steady state workout a week. Not sure about that yet.

I sat down and made some goals yesterday. And put together some daily affirmations.

Daily affirmations - goal of writing them everyday:
* I compare myself to myself
* I love my body
* I am thankful for my health
* I am beautiful
* I choose healthy foods
* I am not controlled by food

Goals:
* I eat every 2 1/2 hours
* I drink 100oz water/day
* I eat a sweet one time each week
* I drink only 2 beers each week
* I eat more fruits and veggies
* I lift heavy/to failure 3x/week
* I do cardio 3x/week

By June 22, 2008 I weigh 125lbs
By April 4, 2008 I weigh 130lbs

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I am going to track my food & exercise on mypyramid.gov. I can enter my daily food intake and it analyzes it according to the USDA recommendations for daily servings of the food groups. Yesterday I was low on meat/beans and high in fruits. It also analyzes calorie intake vs. calorie expenditure from exercise. According to this site, I need to be eating around 1800 calories per day in order to gradually move to a healthier weight. I think I am making some steps in the right direction with all of this.

I weighed myself this morning just to see what the difference was after drinking almost a gallon of water yesterday. Yesterday's weight: 136.4; Today's weight: 134.6. Interesting. Definitely need to keep my water intake high. I can tell by the way I feel in the morning if I didn't have enough water the day before.

Monday, March 3, 2008

March 3, 2008

Alright, I took a few weeks off from "dieting" and ate just what I wanted when I wanted. I enjoyed my giant cookie with my coffee every morning, but I cannot continue doing that. By the end of the week I felt horrible - not necessarily about my body, but about my lack of self-control. I wasn't totally out of control like I have been in the past, but I was allowing food to control me a bit. I kept reminding myself that I would start again on Monday (like usual). But I also knew that I kind of needed to get a little out of control in order to be motivated to be serious again.

I also took the last half of the week off from exercising... I couldn't find my running CD on Tuesday so I did turbulance training instead and it really kicked my bum. Then I shoveled the snow later that day - it was really wet and heavy and the end of the driveway was icy so it kicked my bum even more. By Wednesday morning I could barely walk because my hamstrings hurt so badly. So I lifted on Wednesday morning, but I took the rest of the week off. And it worked. I'm totally motivated now to get back into hardcore workouts and to clean up my diet.

I have struggled with knowing what to do about my eating. I don't want to obsess. If I go entirely back to BFL/BFFM I will have to obsess in order to be successful. I don't do well with palm/fist portioning. But if I go with WW I truly feel in my heart that I'm not eating enough. Everything I read, that I believe is a healthy look at fitness/nutrition says to eat 5-6 times a day and to train hard with weights, do interval cardio vs. long bouts of steady state cardio. Everytime I go on any kind of calorie calculator and plug in my weight & height it tells me I should be eating around 2000 - 2200 calories/day for maintenance, which means 1600-1800 calories/day for weight loss. This reiterates to me that WW is not incredibly healthy - 1000-1200 calories/day is just not right. And as long as I believe in my heart that it is unhealthy for me, I will never be successful at it - or committed to it. So I need to cancel my membership.

So the question remains - what will I be doing? I don't want to obsess. I want to be healthy and make good choices.

Here are my plans so far - I do need to sit down and write this out, though:
* Eat 5-6 times a day: 8:30, 11:00, 2:00, 4:30, 6:30, 9:00
* add a fruit and/or vegetable to every meal
* have a "normal" dinner, but watch the portion
* drink 100oz of water every day
* no sweets - except for Saturday night
* no beer during the week, 2 beers over the weekend
* Running 3x/week - have to figure out if I want to continue my 3.5 miles/45:00 runs or do interval training instead
* Weight training 3x/week - lifting heavy/to failure with a goal of 12 reps per set.
* at least 100 squats/day
* decide on some daily affirmations and write them out every day
* weigh myself once each week on Friday

I weighed myself this morning and saw a number on the scale that I haven't seen in a while: 136.4. I don't believe that it is a "true" weight since I know I'm dehydrated, but I have indeed gained some weight in the last couple of weeks. It is time to get a handle on this and be serious about wanting to be healthy. I don't want to focus on losing weight, but if I truly, truly want to be active in my later years, then I need to focus on being healthy now. Being healthy does not necessarily mean being a certain weight, but instead making healthy choices, retraining my brain on eating healthy and NOT having a big free day/gorge fest on the weekend. I HAVE to get rid of the free day mentality - if I allow for a free day, then I'm not truly living healthy the way I want to.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

February 19, 2008

Workout: Treadmill
Total Miles 33.05 miles
Speeds: 4.0/3.4/6.5

My head is so messed up over the idea of dieting, losing weight, being happy with my body, loving myself. Yesterday I started the day determined to hit WW hardcore for 6 weeks and as the day went on I liked the idea less and less. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around depriving myself, being so strict with everything and being so hungry all the time. I was hungry all day yesterday and by dinner time I wanted to eat everything. So by the end of the day I was feeling like I just needed to be happy with my body and stop thinking about my diet so much - why am I so controlled by all of this?

Then while I was running this morning, I decided that part of the problem is that I need to eat more often throughout the day so I'm not hungry all the time. The problem with that is that in order to stay within my points on a given day, my frequent meals need to be pretty small and that isn't going to keep me full or satisfied throughout the day. I've been comparing WW & fitday a little bit and it seems that a perfect day on WW (21-24 points) is going to be around 1000-1200 calories. That seems awfully low to me. When I was doing BFFM I was trying to eat around 1600-1800 calories/day. Maybe I should just count calories...? First I would need to find out how many I need in order to maintain and then cut.

But then I come back to I should be happy with my body. I should be content and love the fact that I can run for 45 minutes 3 days a week and lift pretty heavy weights. I am active and I can do anything that my children want me to do in terms of playing with them. I should be happy that I can pretty easily maintain 133lbs without really watching what I eat. I know how to eat healthy, I just need to choose the right things.

But then I look in the mirror this morning and see the layer of fat on my arms and shoulders and get kind of disgusted with myself for being unable to buckle down and do something about my weight.

But then I remember that even if I lose 10 pounds, my body will look the same - I'm not going to magically look like a model. My breasts aren't going to grow 2 cup sizes. My thighs and calves are not going to trim down to the point where I'm no longer bottom heavy. I will always have the same issues with finding jeans that fit - just in a smaller size. I tried really hard for 8 months to actually change the shape of my body and it got me nowhere except a little messed up in the head because of freeday. Maybe I should just focus on eating healthy instead.

But then I think while I'm running (it was a bit difficult this morning) that it would be much easier to run if I could lose 10 lbs.

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I do not understand why last week I was perfectly content with trying to love my body and no longer dieting - then by yesterday morning I'm almost obsessed with it all. I do not understand this. I don't want my girls to see me dieting for the rest of my life - I want them to see me eating wisely and healthily and living a healthy life. I need to get a handle on this.

Maybe I need to come up with some daily affirmations that I repeat to myself everyday - I think that is going to be my plan. Stop obsessing and start moving forward with my good self image.

Monday, February 18, 2008

February 18, 2008

Workout: Chest/Shoulders/Triceps
Squats: 200
weight: 133.2

Press: 3x15 @ #5
Butterfly: 3x13 @ #4
Military Press: 3x9 @ #1
Reverse Fly: 3x13 @ #3
Press Downs: 3x14 @ #3
BB Press: 3x13 @ 30lbs

There are 6 weeks before my birthday. I am going to hit this hard for 6 weeks and see where I end up. Ideally, I'd like to lose 2lbs a week for a total of 12, which would bring me down to 121.1. I will be happy with a loss of 1 lbs per week for a total of 6 bringing me down to 127.2. Either way, I want to hit this hard core for a short time period and be done with it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of obssessing and trying to figure out what to do. It became clear to me over the last couple of weeks that I'm just incapable of making good choices on my own right now. I think my head is so screwed up from all this dieting over the last year... I need to bare down and be strict with myself for 6 weeks. So I'm going to track my food on weight watchers and on fitday.com. I'm a bit concerned that WW ultimately ends up being an unrealistically low number of calories every day - like 1000-1100. So I'm going to track in fitday also so I have a good idea of how many calories I'm consuming and how many I'm burning.

My biggest challenge, I believe, is going to be the weekends - and it always is. I've got it in my head that I don't need to count points over the weekend - because that is how I did it before and it worked. But that just isn't working for me anymore. I think if I hadn't done BFL/BFFM for so long maybe it would, but after viewing the weekend as FreeDay and eating whatever I want in whatever quantity I want it has messed up my head. This is where I need to really get with it and be serious about this.

I don't know what my ultimate goal is. I want to eat healthy and make healthy choices and I believe I need some rigorous training in that regard right now. I don't necessarily care about the actual weight number - I just don't want to be uncomfortable in my jeans like I was on Thursday. My head is really messed up and I'm not sure how to get it back on straight.

Friday, February 15, 2008

W6D40

Beginning Date: January 7, 2008
Ending Date: March 30, 2008
Total miles: 29.30miles
Total squats: 4000
Workout: Back/Biceps

Woke up late this morning so I only got the back/biceps/squats in - I skipped the body weight exercises that I normally do with this workout. My workout was decent - I just have a hard time feeling that it was a GREAT workout since it isn't as amazingly hard as it used to be with the BFFM workouts.

Yesterday I ran on the treamill - 3.755 miles in 45:00. I increased my speed to 5.4 mph for the entire running time except for the last 3 minutes that were at 6.5. This speed was a tad more difficult than 5.3 but not as laboring as 5.5. I think it was a good speed. Now I need to acclimate to this speed and increase again after that.

I think I'm pretty close to deciding to go hardcore Weight Watchers beginning next week. I have to fully commit, though, or it just isn't worth it. I may have to revise my goal weight. I'm finding that if I don't have the discipline of the scheduled eating and points then I just end up eating crap - like jelly beans, or pizza, or any manner of things. I tried having a bunch of fruit in the house and snacking on that and I did well with that until I brought the jelly beans in and decided that I wanted just one more scoop of ice cream at night...

I wouldn't say that I've been out of control or "all or nothing" but I think mainly I just want to get to about 125/130 and maintain that instead of maintaining 130/135. Five pounds makes a huge difference on my body and the way my clothes fit. Actually, I'm finding that 2-3 pounds makes a huge difference in how my clothes fit - which is why I'm willing to go back to WW for these 5-10 pounds. I just don't know if its realistic for me to be 115 or 105 (my ideal weight for my height according to everything I read). Would I love to be 105? Sure, but how in the world would I live life, love life and still maintain that weight? I think it would be miserable actually.

And I do want to make healthy choices rather than eating "treats". Part of my problem right now is that since I'm not on a structured plan, I give myself excuses to treat myself to jelly beans - thats my biggest problem. So I need some will power in the form of stopping myself from buying them to begin with and justifying the reason why I am doing it.

If I'm going to fully commit to WW for the next 6 weeks, I'm going to have to take some time over the weekend and totally plan things out. I may not be able to have a freer weekend than my weekdays. I may have to actually count points over the weekend rather than stopping on Friday night. That is always the difficult part for me - I don't want to count points over the weekend, but I may have to give in and understand that it is going to be necessary for success this time around... I still question, though, if I will be able to maintain whatever weight I get to after I get there if I don't stay on a structured plan. Honestly, I don't want to count points for the rest of my life. I want to make a lifestyle change - I don't want sugar to be so obssessive for me... I never craved sugar while I was doing BFL/BFFM, but I can't go back to that I don't think...

As I was telling Kim the other day, I think that WW gives me an excuse to make unhealthy choices. I can eat shit as long as I count the points and they fit within my daily allowance. That is not healthy eating. I want to just always eat healthy with maybe one or two free meals a week. This sucks.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

W6D37

Beginning Date: January 7, 2008
Ending Date: March 30, 2008
Total miles: 25.55 miles
Total squats: 3700
Workout: treadmill

Distance: 2.55 miles
Time: 30:00
Speeds: 4.0/5.5/6.0

I woke up in time but after putting a load of laundry in the washer, hanging up some pictures in the bathroom and watching the weather report on tv I didn't get started running until 6:10. I really like to be finished no later than 6:45 so I can do my devotions in peace before taking a shower and the girls getting up. So I opted to cut my running short rather than skip devotions.

I increased my speed to 5.5mph. Ouch - it was tougher. I should probably stick with 5.3 for most of the running and increase it for a couple of minutes in the last running stretch (besides my last lap sprint) and work my way up that way. I don't want to overdo it or injure myself of jeopardize my enjoyment of running at this point:) It is interesting to me that .2mph makes that big of a difference - it does, I could feel it in my breathing and laboring. I think it is important to increase at some point, but I recognize (after today) that I need to do so gradually.