Workout: Treadmill
Total Miles 33.05 miles
Speeds: 4.0/3.4/6.5
My head is so messed up over the idea of dieting, losing weight, being happy with my body, loving myself. Yesterday I started the day determined to hit WW hardcore for 6 weeks and as the day went on I liked the idea less and less. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around depriving myself, being so strict with everything and being so hungry all the time. I was hungry all day yesterday and by dinner time I wanted to eat everything. So by the end of the day I was feeling like I just needed to be happy with my body and stop thinking about my diet so much - why am I so controlled by all of this?
Then while I was running this morning, I decided that part of the problem is that I need to eat more often throughout the day so I'm not hungry all the time. The problem with that is that in order to stay within my points on a given day, my frequent meals need to be pretty small and that isn't going to keep me full or satisfied throughout the day. I've been comparing WW & fitday a little bit and it seems that a perfect day on WW (21-24 points) is going to be around 1000-1200 calories. That seems awfully low to me. When I was doing BFFM I was trying to eat around 1600-1800 calories/day. Maybe I should just count calories...? First I would need to find out how many I need in order to maintain and then cut.
But then I come back to I should be happy with my body. I should be content and love the fact that I can run for 45 minutes 3 days a week and lift pretty heavy weights. I am active and I can do anything that my children want me to do in terms of playing with them. I should be happy that I can pretty easily maintain 133lbs without really watching what I eat. I know how to eat healthy, I just need to choose the right things.
But then I look in the mirror this morning and see the layer of fat on my arms and shoulders and get kind of disgusted with myself for being unable to buckle down and do something about my weight.
But then I remember that even if I lose 10 pounds, my body will look the same - I'm not going to magically look like a model. My breasts aren't going to grow 2 cup sizes. My thighs and calves are not going to trim down to the point where I'm no longer bottom heavy. I will always have the same issues with finding jeans that fit - just in a smaller size. I tried really hard for 8 months to actually change the shape of my body and it got me nowhere except a little messed up in the head because of freeday. Maybe I should just focus on eating healthy instead.
But then I think while I'm running (it was a bit difficult this morning) that it would be much easier to run if I could lose 10 lbs.
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I do not understand why last week I was perfectly content with trying to love my body and no longer dieting - then by yesterday morning I'm almost obsessed with it all. I do not understand this. I don't want my girls to see me dieting for the rest of my life - I want them to see me eating wisely and healthily and living a healthy life. I need to get a handle on this.
Maybe I need to come up with some daily affirmations that I repeat to myself everyday - I think that is going to be my plan. Stop obsessing and start moving forward with my good self image.
